Navigating Sober Dating

Navigating the tumultuous world of dating proves challenging enough, without having to worry about maintaining your sobriety on top of it. Take it from James, a 33-year-old Los Angeles photographer who has been sober for eight years.

When he first re-entered the dating world, “I spent five years dating messed up speed freaks…I guess I still liked hanging around screwed up people, even if I wasn’t using. I identified with their drug-addled minds.”

It is not uncommon for people post-recovery to seek out addicts and alcoholics as potential dating partners, because they feel that these are the only people they can truly connect with. Another lure behind keeping company with those still in the throes of addiction, comes with the promise of feeling like they are relapsing without actually going through with it. This type of connection can provide the drama and instability that sobriety lacks, giving them comfort, because this is the only type of life they have known to function in for so long. Unfortunately, it can also greatly compromise the success of their treatment.

According to Dr. Milrod, “sobriety needs to be a priority. If a relationship starts to threaten the recovery process, it needs to end.” Many programs advise against dating six months to a year out of rehab.

Dr. Christine Milrod, a sex and life coach in LA, explains that this is because, “many people in recovery have previously used for so long that they have no idea of who they truly are. They need to get to know themselves on a very deep level and enjoy self-acceptance before rushing into a sexual relationship.”

Dr. Belisa Vranich, a clinical psychologist specializing in sex and relationships, suggests to avoid “testing” yourself by going to bars and other places of temptation, no dating with those freshly out of rehab, and don’t fall in love within the first year because, “you’re more at risk for obsessive, distracting love when you’re supposed to be focusing on your sobriety.”